My Top 10 George Carlin Quotes Of All Time

1. “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (my personal favorite)
8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

Buy all his books. They are awesome!

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No Regrets

A hard pill to swallow

This is a post from a now defunct comic journal by Matt Milby. I know a lot of you can relate to this. I know I did.

This is not the way you want to be broken up with. You do not want your girlfriend to break up with you out of the blue and leave you to find out that she did so from Katie at the bar. It is a really shitty way to get broken up with.

Anyway, it’s been a rough past couple of days for me. This isn’t the first time I’ve been broken up with, but it is the first time I’ve been left for someone else. If you’ve never had that experience yourself, let me tell you, it is everything they say it is.

It might have been easier to deal with if things weren’t going well, but that wasn’t the case. I’ve heard no argument from her about that, either. I was in love with her (I do wish I’d told her), and she said she loved me. That’s what makes this so hopelessly demoralizing. If there had been fights, problems, disagreements, that would have been understandable. If she thought I’d been a dick, that would have been understandable. But when things are going as well as you can imagine, and when you’re doing the best you can– being the best you can– and you still aren’t good enough for them, what does it say? That your best isn’t good enough. That you’re inadequate. That there was nothing you could have done to avoid being left– not because you did any specific thing wrong, or even failed to do things right– but because you simply are not a good enough person, and they’ve found someone better than you. That, my friends, is a hard pill to swallow.

Some Simple Life Rules

madness

The only...

What shapes us...

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We are all shaped by the things that someone once told us. The words we hear impact on us, whether we want them to or not, and it’s undeniable that they have a power.

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