My Top 10 George Carlin Quotes Of All Time

1. “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (my personal favorite)
8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

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Hilarious One-Liner Quotes

1.       A good pun is its own reword.

2.       Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

3.       Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

4.       For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

5.       A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

6.       Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

7.       It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

8.       Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

9.       Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

10.   Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

11.   I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

12.   Lord save me from your followers.

13.   Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

14.   I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

15.   Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

16.   Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

17.   Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

18.   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

19.   How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

20.   Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

Insults and Comeback Quotes

1.      A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

2.      A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

3.      A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

4.      Alone: In bad company.

5.      And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.

6.      He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.

7.      I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

8.      I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

9.       If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

10.  If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

11.  Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

12.  Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

13.  Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

14.  We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

15.  When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

16.  You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

17.  You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

18.  You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

19.  You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

20.  You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.

Another 20 Funny One-Liners

1.       A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

2.       A day without sunshine is like night.

3.       A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

4.       Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

5.       An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6.       I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

7.       The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

8.       All generalizations are false, including this one.

9.       I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

10.   I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

11.   I couldn't care less about apathy.

12.   I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

13.   Drilling for oil is boring.

14.   Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

15.   I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

16.   There's no future in time travel.

17.   If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

18.   Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

19.   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

20.   Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

20 Funny One-Liners

1.       A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. 

2.       A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

3.       Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? 

4.       Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open. 

5.       I bet you I could stop gambling. 

6.       I can't get enough minimalism. 

7.       I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

8.       I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. 

9.       I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. 

10.   I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. 

11.   I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole! 

12.   If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. 

13.   If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense? 

14.   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 

15.   I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called? 

16.   Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. 

17.   The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 

18.   We are all prawns in the game of life.

19.   What has four legs and an arm? An angry pit bull. 

20.   When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.