Witty and Funny Quotes

1. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
2. When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
3. When tempted to fight fire with fire, keep in mind that the Fire Department usually uses water.
4. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
5. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
6. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
7. You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
8. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein
9. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
10. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
11. Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
12. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
13. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
14. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
15. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
16. Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people
17. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
18. Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
19. A bad day at Disneyland is still better than a good day at work.
20. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
21. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
22. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
23. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
24. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read
25. A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
26. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
27. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
28. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
29. Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
30. Opportunity only knocks once (if at all).
31. People who say it can't be done, should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
32. People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
33. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.
34. Please excuse my bad English; I'm American.
35. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein

Zany Zen Quotes

·         Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either; just #$!@! off and leave me alone. 

·         The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

·         It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

·         Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·         No one is listening until you make a mistake.

·         Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

·         Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

·         It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

·         It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

·         If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

·         Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

·         If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

·         Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

·         If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

·         If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

·         Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

·         The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

·         Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.