Monday, August 6, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
- “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
- “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
- “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
- “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
- “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
- “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (my personal favorite)
- “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
- “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
- “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
Buy all his books. They are awesome!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
This is a post from a now defunct comic journal by Matt Milby. I know a lot of you can relate to this. I know I did.
This is not the way you want to be broken up with. You do not want your girlfriend to break up with you out of the blue and leave you to find out that she did so from Katie at the bar. It is a really shitty way to get broken up with.
Anyway, it’s been a rough past couple of days for me. This isn’t the first time I’ve been broken up with, but it is the first time I’ve been left for someone else. If you’ve never had that experience yourself, let me tell you, it is everything they say it is.
It might have been easier to deal with if things weren’t going well, but that wasn’t the case. I’ve heard no argument from her about that, either. I was in love with her (I do wish I’d told her), and she said she loved me. That’s what makes this so hopelessly demoralizing. If there had been fights, problems, disagreements, that would have been understandable. If she thought I’d been a dick, that would have been understandable. But when things are going as well as you can imagine, and when you’re doing the best you can– being the best you can– and you still aren’t good enough for them, what does it say? That your best isn’t good enough. That you’re inadequate. That there was nothing you could have done to avoid being left– not because you did any specific thing wrong, or even failed to do things right– but because you simply are not a good enough person, and they’ve found someone better than you. That, my friends, is a hard pill to swallow.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
1. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
2. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
3. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
4. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to f*ck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
5. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds!
8. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
9. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
10. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
11. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
12. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
13. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
14. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
15. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
16. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
17. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
18. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
19. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
20. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
21. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
22. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
23. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
24. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
25. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
26. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
27. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
28. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
29. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
30. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
31. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
32. What year did Jesus think it was?
33. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
34. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
35. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.