1.
Don Ho can sign
autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
2.
Eventually, alas, I
realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
3.
Have you ever wondered
why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their
communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been
trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
4.
Have you noticed that
most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to f*ck
in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
5.
Here’s a bumper sticker
I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is
sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements
on the back of our car.”
6.
Honesty may be the best
policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7.
I don’t have pet peeves
— I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds!
8.
I don’t like to think of
laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
9.
I have as much authority
as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
10.
If Helen Keller had
psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
11.
If it requires a
uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
12.
If it’s true that our
species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed
rather low and settled for very little.
13.
If you’ve got a cat and
a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a
party.
14.
In America, anyone can
become president. That’s the problem.
15.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving
that doctors call what they do “practice”?
16.
It isn’t fair: the
caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
17.
Just think, right now as
you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
18.
Most of the time people
feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
19.
Most people with low
self-esteem have earned it.
20.
Most people work just
hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
21.
No one knows what’s
next, but everybody does it.
22.
No one who has had
“Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
23.
Once you leave the womb,
conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re
just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise
them to be dead soldiers.
24.
The only good thing ever
to come out of religion was the music.
25.
The reason I talk to
myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
26.
The reason they call it
the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
27.
The very existence of
flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You
know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close
enough to get the job done.”
28.
Think of how stupid the
average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
29.
Thou shalt keep thy
religion to thyself.
30.
Weather forecast for
tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by
morning.
31.
What was the best thing
before sliced bread?
32.
What year did Jesus
think it was?
33.
You can’t fight City
Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
34.
You know the good part
about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
35.
If all our national
holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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