Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
1. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
2. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
3. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
4. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to f*ck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
5. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds!
8. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
9. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
10. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
11. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
12. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
13. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
14. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
15. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
16. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
17. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
18. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
19. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
20. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
21. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
22. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
23. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
24. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
25. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
26. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
27. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
28. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
29. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
30. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
31. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
32. What year did Jesus think it was?
33. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
34. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
35. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.