1.
“No comment” is a
comment.
2.
“One thing leads to
another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an
addict.
3.
And now, in the interest
of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It
reads, and I quote, “F*ck waffles.”
4.
As soon as someone is
identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
5.
Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
6.
Beethoven was so hard of
hearing, he thought he was a painter.
7.
Bowling is not a sport
because you have to rent the shoes.
8.
Boxing is a more
sophisticated form of hockey.
9.
“Meow” means “woof” in
cat.
10.
Do you think Sammy Davis
ate Junior Mints?
11.
Religion has convinced
people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything
you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten
specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he
will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and
anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end
of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12.
I think everyone should
treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible
for the consequences.
13.
I think I am, therefore,
I am. I think.
14.
Swimming is not a sport.
Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
15.
The best thing about living
at the water’s edge: You only have a--holes on three sides of you, and if they
come this way you can hear them splash.
16.
The future will soon be
a thing of the past.
17.
The Golden Gate Bridge
should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit
suicide but want to get in a little practice.
18.
The IQ and the life
expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite
directions.
19.
When you think about it,
attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot
worth paying attention to.
20.
When you’re born you get
a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row
seat.
21.
Whoever coined the term
“Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
22.
You can prick your
finger — just don’t finger your prick.
23.
I knew a transsexual guy
whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
24.
I love and treasure
individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with
and belong to.
25.
I never f*cked a ten,
but one night, I f*cked five twos.
26.
I never joined the Boy
Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
27.
Somehow I enjoy watching
people suffer.
28.
I put a dollar in a
change machine. Nothing changed.
29.
I think it’s the duty of
the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
30.
I would never want to be
a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
31.
I’ve never seen a
homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
32.
If a man smiles all the
time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
33.
If a movie is described
as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
