Hilarious One-Liner Quotes

1.       A good pun is its own reword.

2.       Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

3.       Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

4.       For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

5.       A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

6.       Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

7.       It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

8.       Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

9.       Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

10.   Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

11.   I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

12.   Lord save me from your followers.

13.   Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

14.   I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

15.   Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

16.   Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

17.   Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

18.   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

19.   How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

20.   Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

About God

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Sir Stephen Henry Roberts (1901-1971)

"The being we call god is merely a pawn working for a powerful and rational force in some far-off galaxy. This force is trying to weed out people who are irrational by seeing who would be stupid enough to believe in his god illusion so easily. Those that believe in this illusion, he will send to eternal damnation and he will deliver the rational beings, those who stoically refused to believe in a god, to heaven."
- Nicholas Yee

"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis."
- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’."
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"God for you is where you sweep away all the mysteries of the world, all the challenges to our intelligence. You simply turn your mind off and say God did it."
- Carl Sagan (1934-1996), Contact

"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice, I.iii

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen (1935-)

Insults and Comeback Quotes

1.      A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

2.      A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

3.      A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

4.      Alone: In bad company.

5.      And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.

6.      He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.

7.      I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

8.      I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

9.       If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

10.  If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

11.  Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

12.  Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

13.  Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

14.  We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

15.  When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

16.  You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

17.  You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

18.  You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

19.  You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

20.  You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.