Quotes Collection

1.      There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray that it isnt a train.

2.      There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man

3.      There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.

4.      There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have in charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst

5.      There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends

6.      There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

7.      Things are only impossible until they're not.

8.      Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrows know how to swim

9.      To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler- and less trouble

10.  Truth is stranger than fiction; fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities, truth isn't

11.  Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

12.  Unless you can question your own beliefs, you have no place questioning the beliefs of others.

13.  Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

14.  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

15.  What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

16.  In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards

17.  Incoming fire has the right of way.

18.  It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

19.  It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.

20.  It's better to be looked over, than overlooked

21.  It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't.

22.  Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

23.  Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

24.  Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to someone else.

25.  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

26.  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

27.  Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.

28.  Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

29.  Give the gift of love, and people think you're cheap. Give them a cheap bit of crap, and they love you for it. Go figure.

30.  God Bless America, where laws are passed to protect people from the legal system.

31.  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

32.  Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

33.  If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

34.  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

35.  If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

36.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

37.  Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.

38.  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

39.  Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

About God

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Sir Stephen Henry Roberts (1901-1971)

"The being we call god is merely a pawn working for a powerful and rational force in some far-off galaxy. This force is trying to weed out people who are irrational by seeing who would be stupid enough to believe in his god illusion so easily. Those that believe in this illusion, he will send to eternal damnation and he will deliver the rational beings, those who stoically refused to believe in a god, to heaven."
- Nicholas Yee

"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis."
- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’."
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"God for you is where you sweep away all the mysteries of the world, all the challenges to our intelligence. You simply turn your mind off and say God did it."
- Carl Sagan (1934-1996), Contact

"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice, I.iii

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen (1935-)

33 Awesome George Carlin Quotes

1.      There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Sh*t, piss, f*ck, c*nt, cocks*cker, motherf*cker and t*ts.

2.      Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocks*cker from Guatemala.”

3.      So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

4.      So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherf*cker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

5.      Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

6.      Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

7.      Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

8.      “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

9.      A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

10. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f*ck.

11. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

12. The planet is fine. The people are f*cked.

13. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

14. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

15. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that sh*t out by myself in the third grade.

16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

17. Life is a zero sum game.

18. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

19. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

20. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

21. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

22. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

23. Hooray for most things!

24. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

25. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

26. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

27. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

28. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

29. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

30. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

31. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

32. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is sh*t and your sh*t is stuff?

33. You can’t argue with a good blowj*b.