Quotes - Funny and Witty

1. Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
2. Speak softly, but carry an M16.
3. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
4. The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- Scotty
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
7. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
8. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
9. nothing brings people closer than a common enemy
10. The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.
11. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain
12. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
13. The moral sense enables one to perceive morality- and avoid it; the immoral sense enables one to perceive immorality- and enjoy it
14. The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places.
15. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
16. The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
17. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
19. The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
20. The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
21. The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
22. There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages
23. There are three ways to make money. You can inherit it. You can marry it. You can steal it.
24. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
25. The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
26. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
27. The intelligence of a group is inversely proportionate to its size
28. An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.
29. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
30. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
31. Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter.
32. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
33. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
34. B. S. = Bull Sh*t M. S. = More Sh*t P.h.D. = Piled Higher and Deeper
35. Be Nice To Your Kids; They'll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.

About God

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Sir Stephen Henry Roberts (1901-1971)

"The being we call god is merely a pawn working for a powerful and rational force in some far-off galaxy. This force is trying to weed out people who are irrational by seeing who would be stupid enough to believe in his god illusion so easily. Those that believe in this illusion, he will send to eternal damnation and he will deliver the rational beings, those who stoically refused to believe in a god, to heaven."
- Nicholas Yee

"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis."
- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’."
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"God for you is where you sweep away all the mysteries of the world, all the challenges to our intelligence. You simply turn your mind off and say God did it."
- Carl Sagan (1934-1996), Contact

"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice, I.iii

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen (1935-)

33 Awesome George Carlin Quotes

1.      There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Sh*t, piss, f*ck, c*nt, cocks*cker, motherf*cker and t*ts.

2.      Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocks*cker from Guatemala.”

3.      So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

4.      So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherf*cker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

5.      Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

6.      Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

7.      Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

8.      “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

9.      A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

10. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f*ck.

11. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

12. The planet is fine. The people are f*cked.

13. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

14. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

15. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that sh*t out by myself in the third grade.

16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

17. Life is a zero sum game.

18. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

19. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

20. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

21. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

22. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

23. Hooray for most things!

24. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

25. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

26. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

27. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

28. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

29. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

30. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

31. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

32. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is sh*t and your sh*t is stuff?

33. You can’t argue with a good blowj*b.