101 Quotes About Life

1. A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.  –Charles Darwin
2. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. –Ralph Waldo Emerson
3. All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. –Henry Ellis
4. Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.  –Anton Chekhov
5. A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. –James Allen
6. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. –William James
7. Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. –Buddha
8. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain
9. Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it. –Henry David Thoreau
10. Every man dies. Not every man really lives. –William Wallace
11. Everything has been figured out, except how to live. –Jean-Paul Sartre
12. Everything in life is luck. –Donald Trump
13. Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. –Karen Horney
14. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. –Friedrich Nietzsche
15. Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t. — Richard Bach
16. I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. –E. B. White
17. I do not regret one moment of my life. –Lillie Langtry
18. I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth
19. I love life because what more is there. –Anthony Hopkins
20. I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. –John Burroughs
21. I take care of my flowers and my cats. And enjoy food. And that’s living. –Ursula Andress
22. I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it. –Charles M. Schulz
23. In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. –Robert Frost
24. It is not length of life, but depth of life. –Ralph Waldo Emerson
25. It’s all about quality of life and finding a happy balance between work and friends and family. –Philip Green
26. Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. –Josh Billings
27. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. –George Bernard Shaw
28. Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself. –Antoine de Saint-Exupery
29. Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. –Sholom Aleichem
30. Life is a long lesson in humility. –James M. Barrie
31. Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. –Truman Capote
32. Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be. –Jose Ortega y Gasset
33. Life is half spent before we know what it is. –George Herbert
34. Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time. –Miguel Angel Ruiz
35. Life is much shorter than I imagined it to be. –Abraham Cahan
36. Life is never easy for those who dream. –Robert James Waller
37. Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep. –Fran Lebowitz
38. Life is wasted on the living. –Douglas Adams
39. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. –Karen Horney
40. Life must be lived as play. –Plato
41. Life well spent is long. –Leonardo da Vinci
42. Look, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. –Mel Brooks
43. May you live all the days of your life. –Jonathan Swift
44. Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. –Arthur Miller
45. My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can. –CaryGrant
46. My life is every moment of my life. It is not a culmination of the past. –Hugh Leonard
47. Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. –Harvey Fierstein
48. Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. –Brendan Gill
49. Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued. –Socrates
50. Only a few things are really important. –Marie Dressler
51. People living deeply have no fear of death. –Anais Nin
52. The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. –Marcus Aurelius
53. The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. –H. L. Mencken
54. The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century. –William Lyon Phelps
55. The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. –William James
56. The main facts in human life are five: birth, food, sleep, love and death. –E. M. Forster
57. The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. –Henry David Thoreau
58. The purpose of life is a life of purpose. –Robert Byrne
59. The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases. –Carl Jung
60. There is no wealth but life. –John Ruskin
61. There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last. –Robert Louis Stevenson
62. This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it. –William James
63. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. –Henry David Thoreau
64. To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. –Emily Dickinson
65. Unbeing dead isn’t being alive. –E. E. Cummings
66. Unrest of spirit is a mark of life. –Karl A. Menninger
67. Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; do not outlive yourself. –George Bernard Shaw
68. Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work – that goes on, it adds up. –Barbara Kingsolver
69. We can’t plan life. All we can do is be available for it. –Lauryn Hill
70. We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion. –Max de Pree
71. What we play is life. –Louis Armstrong
72. When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’. –Erma Bombeck
73. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. — Mark Twain
74. Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. — Erich Fromm
75. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. — Albert Camus
76. Your life is what your thoughts make it. — Marcus Aurelius
77. Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. –Albert Einstein
78. How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. –Annie Dillard
79. If you will just start with the idea that this is a hard world, it will all be much simpler. –Louis D. Brandeis
80. Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be. –Jeremy Schwartz
81. As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death. –Leonardo da Vinci
82. Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin. –Grace Hansen
83. As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death. –George Bernard Shaw
84. All men think all men mortal but themselves. –Edward Young
85. A person starts dying when they stop dreaming. –Brian Williams
86. After the first death, there is no other. –Dylan Thomas
87. Every man dies – Not every man really lives. –William Ross Wallace
88. One can survive everything nowadays, except death, and live down anything, except a good reputation. –Oscar Wilde
89. Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies. –Ann Landers
90. Life is like riding a bicycle. You don’t fall off unless you plan to stop peddling. –Claude Pepper
91. Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. –Josh Billings
92. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. –Thomas Edison
93. If you stop struggling, then you stop life. –HueyNewton
94. Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t. –Richard Bach
95. Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours? –Roy H. Williams
96. Life is just a chance to grow a soul. –A. Powell Davies
97. Our lives are like a candle in the wind. –Carl Sandburg
98. Life is the game that must be played. –Edwin Arlington Robinson
99. Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. –Carl Sandburg
100. Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. –Charles Schulz
101. Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself. –John Dewey

I Hate Love

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

 — Neil Gaiman

List of Quotes from Albert Einstein

• "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
• "Imagination is more important than knowledge."
• "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
• "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
• "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
• "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
• "The only real valuable thing is intuition."
• "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."
• "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."
• "God is subtle but he is not malicious."
• "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
• "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
• "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."
• "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
• "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
• "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
• "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
• "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
• "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
• "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
• "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
• "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
• "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."
• "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
• "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
• "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
• "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."
• "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
• "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
• "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
• "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
• "Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."
• "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
• "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
• "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
• "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
• "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
• "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."
• "The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
• "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."
• "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"
• "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"
• "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
• "Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."
• "The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
• "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
• "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
• "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
• "The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
• "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
• "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
• "One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
• "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
• "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
• "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
• "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

[Note: This list of Einstein quotes was being forwarded around the Internet, so I decided to put it on my blog. I'm afraid I can't vouch for its authenticity, tell you where it came from, who compiled the list, or anything like that. Still, the quotes are interesting and enlightening.]

On Life...

1. Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
2. You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
3. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough
4. To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all
5. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
6. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.
7. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
8. Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
9. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
10. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.

Words Of Wisdom... or not.

1. "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" - Voltaire
2. "To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead." - Thomas Paine
3. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
4. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson
5. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
7. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
8. A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.
9. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
10. A penny saved is a penny taxed.
11. A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
12. A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
13. A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
14. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
15. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
16. Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business.
17. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
18. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
19. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
20. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
21. An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.
22. Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
23. Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your master.
24. Build a better mouse trap... and you'll be sued by someone who patented mouse trapping devices in 1993.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
27. Cole's Axiom: The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing
28. Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking on the form of a readiness to die.
29. Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
30. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
31. Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
32. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
33. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
34. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
35. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
36. I AM, therefore I THINK!
37. I doubt, therefore I might be.
38. I envy my dog because he always tries to put his head between some girls legs, and they pet him!
39. I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents become better people as a result of practicing it.
40. I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
41. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
42. If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
43. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
44. If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world -- Albert Einstein
45. If you love something very much, give it away. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.
46. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
47. If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.
48. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
49. In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.
50. In the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.
51. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Quotes - Funny and Witty

1. Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
2. Speak softly, but carry an M16.
3. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
4. The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- Scotty
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
7. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
8. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
9. nothing brings people closer than a common enemy
10. The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.
11. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain
12. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
13. The moral sense enables one to perceive morality- and avoid it; the immoral sense enables one to perceive immorality- and enjoy it
14. The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places.
15. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
16. The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
17. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
19. The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
20. The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
21. The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
22. There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages
23. There are three ways to make money. You can inherit it. You can marry it. You can steal it.
24. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
25. The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
26. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
27. The intelligence of a group is inversely proportionate to its size
28. An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.
29. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
30. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
31. Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter.
32. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
33. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
34. B. S. = Bull Sh*t M. S. = More Sh*t P.h.D. = Piled Higher and Deeper
35. Be Nice To Your Kids; They'll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.

Quotes Collection

1.      There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray that it isnt a train.

2.      There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man

3.      There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.

4.      There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have in charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst

5.      There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends

6.      There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

7.      Things are only impossible until they're not.

8.      Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrows know how to swim

9.      To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler- and less trouble

10.  Truth is stranger than fiction; fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities, truth isn't

11.  Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

12.  Unless you can question your own beliefs, you have no place questioning the beliefs of others.

13.  Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

14.  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

15.  What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

16.  In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards

17.  Incoming fire has the right of way.

18.  It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

19.  It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.

20.  It's better to be looked over, than overlooked

21.  It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't.

22.  Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

23.  Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

24.  Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to someone else.

25.  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

26.  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

27.  Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.

28.  Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

29.  Give the gift of love, and people think you're cheap. Give them a cheap bit of crap, and they love you for it. Go figure.

30.  God Bless America, where laws are passed to protect people from the legal system.

31.  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

32.  Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

33.  If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

34.  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

35.  If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

36.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

37.  Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.

38.  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

39.  Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Witty and Funny Quotes

1. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
2. When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
3. When tempted to fight fire with fire, keep in mind that the Fire Department usually uses water.
4. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
5. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
6. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
7. You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
8. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein
9. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
10. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
11. Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
12. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
13. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
14. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
15. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
16. Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people
17. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
18. Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
19. A bad day at Disneyland is still better than a good day at work.
20. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
21. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
22. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
23. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
24. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read
25. A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
26. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
27. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
28. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
29. Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
30. Opportunity only knocks once (if at all).
31. People who say it can't be done, should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
32. People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
33. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.
34. Please excuse my bad English; I'm American.
35. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein

Hilarious One-Liner Quotes

1.       A good pun is its own reword.

2.       Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

3.       Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

4.       For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

5.       A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

6.       Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

7.       It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

8.       Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

9.       Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

10.   Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

11.   I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

12.   Lord save me from your followers.

13.   Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

14.   I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

15.   Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

16.   Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

17.   Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

18.   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

19.   How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

20.   Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

About Society

"The price of liberty is eternal vigilance."
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"The percent likelihood of a society becoming physically violent if it is physically affectionate towards its infants and tolerant of premarital sexual behavior is 2 percent. The probability of this relationship occurring by chance is 125,000 to one. I am not aware of any other developmental variable that has such a high degree of predictive validity."
- James W. Prescott, 1975

"All for one; one for all."
- Alexander Dumas (1824-1895)

"You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same."
- Unknown

"Vote early and vote often."
- Al Capone (1899-1947)

"If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

"The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Men have become the tools of their tools."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"When they took the Fourth Amendment, I was silent because I don’t deal drugs. When they took the Sixth Amendment, I kept quiet because I know I’m innocent. When they took the Second Amendment, I said nothing because I don’t own a gun. Now they’ve come for the First Amendment, and I can’t say anything at all."
- Tim Freeman

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are acutally rearranging their prejudices."
- William James (1842-1910)

In a boat at sea one of the men began to bore a hole in the bottom of the boat. On being remonstrating with, he answered, "I am only boring under my own seat." "Yes," said his companions, "but when the sea rushes in we shall all be drowned with you."
- Talmud

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity."
- Irving Kristol (1920-)

"I think it would be a good idea."
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization

11.11.11

Will today be the end of the world?

Better start playing Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" just to be sure you are ready.

Blah, Blah, Quotes, Blah, etc...

 I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. 

Robert McCloskey

 I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you. 

Unknown

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. 

Oscar Wilde

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. 

Oscar Wilde

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. 

Ariel

I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. 

Oscar Wilde

 It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. 

Oscar Wilde

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. 

Oscar Wilde

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself. 

Ethel Barrymore

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. 

Oscar Wilde

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. 

Oscar Wilde

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. 

Oscar Wilde

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. 

Oscar Wilde

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 

Oscar Wilde

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. 

Oscar Wilde

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other. 

Oscar Wilde

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot. 

Oscar Wilde

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 

Unknown

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 

Winston Churchill

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support. 

Unknown

There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened. 

Douglas Adams

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 

Unknown

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. 

Janeane Garofalo

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 

Tommy Cooper

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. 

Mae West

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. 

Benny Hill

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 

Unknown

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. 

Victor Borge

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. 

Oscar Wilde

I speak two languages, Body and English. 

Mae West

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans 

John Lennon

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. 

Jack Handey

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself 

Mark Twain

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. 

Helen Rowland

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. 

George Gobal

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. 

Agatha Christie

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat? 

Tom Snyder

 There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. 

Melanie Griffith

 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 

Mark Twain

 I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. 

Unknown

 Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! 

Unknown

 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 

Unknown

 Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. 

Unknown

 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 

Robert Bloch

 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... 

Louis Hector Berlioz

 It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 

Unknown

 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 

Unknown

 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 

Mark Twain

 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

 A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'. 

Woody Allen

 A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. 

Ronald Knox

 A hard man is good to find. 

Mae West

 A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. 

Mae West

 A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. 

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 A man in the house is worth two in the street. 

Mae West

 A man's only as old as the woman he feels. 

Groucho Marx

 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. 

Sam Goldwyn

 A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. 

W.C. Fields

 A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. 

Rudyard Kipling

 Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. 

Dilbert

 Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. 

George Burns

 All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. 

George Orwell

 All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. 

Alexander Woollcott

 All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. 

Oscar Wilde

 All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. 

Mark Twain

 Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. 

Winston Churchill

 Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest. 

Mark Twain

 Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. 

Oscar Wilde

 An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. 

Mae West

 Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. 

Woody Allen

 Another such victory, and we are undone. 

Pyrrhus

 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 

Groucho Marx

 Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. 

Mae West

 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 

Woody Allen

 Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. 

Oliver Goldsmith

 Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. 

David Brent

 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. 

Woody Allen

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 

Mae West

 Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. 

Desmond Morris

 But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. 

George Bernard Shaw

 By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 

Socrates

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 

Henny Youngman

 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 

Mark Twain

 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 

Woody Allen

 For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. 

Woody Allen

 I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. 

Joan Rivers

 Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. 

Charles D. Warner

 Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses. 

Woody Allen

 Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. 

Mae West

 Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. 

Ralph Bus

 Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 

Mark Twain

 I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that. 

Ronaldo

 If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. 

Woody Allen

 I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. 

Woody Allen

 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 

Rita Rudner

 Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 

Rita Rudner

 Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 

Rita Rudner

 Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 

Rita Rudner