1.
There are 400,000 words
in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What
a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be
OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over
here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the
seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Sh*t, piss, f*ck, c*nt, cocks*cker,
motherf*cker and t*ts.
2.
Reminds me of something
my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and
I’ll show you a cocks*cker from Guatemala.”
3.
So far, this is the
oldest I’ve been.
4.
So I say, “Live and let
live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with
that, take him outside and shoot the motherf*cker. It’s a simple philosophy,
but it’s always worked in our family.
5.
Soft rock music isn’t
rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
6.
Catholic — which I was
until I reached the age of reason.
7.
Cloud nine gets all the
publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better
view.
8.
“When Will Jesus Bring
the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even
vegetarians!
9.
A house is just a place
to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
10.
Instead of warning
pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f*ck.
11.
I’m always relieved when
someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
12.
The planet is fine. The
people are f*cked.
13.
The real reason that we
can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt
not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a
building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work
environment.
14.
I used to be Irish
Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
15.
I wanna live. I don’t
wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that sh*t out
by myself in the third grade.
16.
Just when I discovered
the meaning of life, they changed it.
17.
Life is a zero sum game.
18.
May the forces of evil
become confused on the way to your house.
19.
By and large, language
is a tool for concealing the truth.
20.
Capitalism tries for a
delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just
enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other
people’s stuff.
21.
God bless the homicidal
maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
22.
Have you ever noticed
that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
23.
Hooray for most things!
24.
I don’t have a fear of
heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
25.
One great thing about
getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by
saying you’re too tired.
26.
Property is theft.
Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
27.
If the Cincinnati Reds
were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
28.
If the cops didn’t see
it, I didn’t do it!
29.
If you live long enough,
sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
30.
Ever notice that anyone
going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
31.
George Washington’s
brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
32.
Have you ever noticed
that their stuff is sh*t and your sh*t is stuff?
33.
You can’t argue with a
good blowj*b.
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