Quotes - Funny and Witty

1. Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
2. Speak softly, but carry an M16.
3. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
4. The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- Scotty
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
7. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
8. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
9. nothing brings people closer than a common enemy
10. The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.
11. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain
12. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
13. The moral sense enables one to perceive morality- and avoid it; the immoral sense enables one to perceive immorality- and enjoy it
14. The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places.
15. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
16. The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
17. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
19. The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
20. The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
21. The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
22. There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages
23. There are three ways to make money. You can inherit it. You can marry it. You can steal it.
24. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
25. The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
26. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
27. The intelligence of a group is inversely proportionate to its size
28. An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.
29. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
30. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
31. Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter.
32. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
33. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
34. B. S. = Bull Sh*t M. S. = More Sh*t P.h.D. = Piled Higher and Deeper
35. Be Nice To Your Kids; They'll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.