Sometimes, it's as simple as this...

Hilarious One-Liner Quotes

1.       A good pun is its own reword.

2.       Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

3.       Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

4.       For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

5.       A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

6.       Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

7.       It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

8.       Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

9.       Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

10.   Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

11.   I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

12.   Lord save me from your followers.

13.   Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

14.   I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

15.   Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

16.   Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

17.   Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

18.   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

19.   How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

20.   Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

Another 20 Funny One-Liners

1.       A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

2.       A day without sunshine is like night.

3.       A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

4.       Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

5.       An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6.       I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

7.       The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

8.       All generalizations are false, including this one.

9.       I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

10.   I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

11.   I couldn't care less about apathy.

12.   I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

13.   Drilling for oil is boring.

14.   Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

15.   I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

16.   There's no future in time travel.

17.   If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

18.   Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

19.   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

20.   Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

20 Funny One-Liners

1.       A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. 

2.       A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

3.       Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? 

4.       Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open. 

5.       I bet you I could stop gambling. 

6.       I can't get enough minimalism. 

7.       I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

8.       I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. 

9.       I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. 

10.   I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. 

11.   I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole! 

12.   If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. 

13.   If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense? 

14.   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 

15.   I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called? 

16.   Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. 

17.   The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 

18.   We are all prawns in the game of life.

19.   What has four legs and an arm? An angry pit bull. 

20.   When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.