20 Funny One-Liners

1.       A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. 

2.       A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

3.       Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? 

4.       Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open. 

5.       I bet you I could stop gambling. 

6.       I can't get enough minimalism. 

7.       I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

8.       I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. 

9.       I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. 

10.   I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. 

11.   I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole! 

12.   If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. 

13.   If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense? 

14.   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 

15.   I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called? 

16.   Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. 

17.   The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 

18.   We are all prawns in the game of life.

19.   What has four legs and an arm? An angry pit bull. 

20.   When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.